12/3/07

Baby Diego


A re-telling of the events as they were told to me. Not for the faint of heart.

My sister has three boys, the middle child being 3 1/2. The little group of mothers my sister socializes with (you know, drink Starbucks, talk about shopping and how their children are different and yet the same) decided to have a large group birthday party for a few of the children whose birthdays were relatively close in date. So before you know it, a 12 child birthday party has been organized. The mothers are all given different roles, some playing bigger roles than others, and everything is going to be a real hoot.

The day arrives and the mothers and their children congregate at the nature center where they've rented out a private room for the party. Snacks and toys in hand, toddlers between the ages of 3 to 5 all show up for what should be an afternoon of good times.

They start the day off with a light nature walk, a few of the mothers staying behind to get the party prepped for when the children return. Soon they come streaming back in, wound up from the cool autumn breeze and building anticipation of the party to come. They come running to the balloons and the colors and the presents and the food. Then, one mother who has recently moved to the United States from India brings out her big surprise, a life size Baby Diego pinata.

Now for all of you unaware of Baby Diego, he is a popular character amongst toddlers and small children around the country who gets into whacky adventures and teaches life lessons. This group of children in particular happen to be in love with Baby Diego.

The sight of this very impressive replica of their favorite character sends the group into hysterics. The children are screaming in delight as he looks them all square in the eye. Many are still to young to discern that this is not in fact a real walking and talking Baby Diego.

"HOIST UP DIEGO" yells the mother as another amazingly naive one throws a rope over the ceiling banister and yanks the end in her hands toward her waist. The rope end attached to the shoulders of sweet Baby Diego becomes taut and our hero is swiftly elevated above the raised hands of his adoring fans.

"DIEGO!!" they squeal with glee.

A few mothers exchange concerned glances as Diego swings in front of them and their children, the rope end disappearing behind his head. In all this innocent joy, something doesn't quite seem...

"Who wants to go first?" a commanding and shrill voice beckons to the anxious crowd of youngsters.

"I WILL" hollers the future army vet of the group. The kids are wild with excitement while the mothers become rigid, unaware why this growing anxiety is bubbling up inside of them.

WHACK!!

Spinning round and round goes Baby Diego attached to the rope behind his head.

WHACK!!

Suddenly the screams grow more intense as what were once joyous squawks begin to transform into echoing cries. "Mommy" yells one of the younger girls as she runs to a distressed mother who now shoos her little girl out of the party room

WHACK!!

And off comes innocent Baby Diego's legs. More cries... panic begins to ensue. What did Baby Diego do? Why are we hurting him? One child begins to hit another child for no foreseeable reason. More children and their mothers being to leave the party room. Despite the missing appendages, Baby Diego's candy filled intestines remain intact.

"Perhaps the children are upset because there is no candy" thinks the mother who thought up this most clever idea. She now releases the far end of the rope to allow Baby Diego to come crashing to the ground. More screams. More panic. She grabs the bat from the unphased future Navy Seal and begins to beat Baby Diego herself. Diego standing a good three inches taller than some of the smaller children in the room.

"WHY!?!"

Her futile attempts to crack open the precious Diego leave her frustrated so she soon turns to the table and grabs the pair of scissors left glistening in the mid afternoon sun. With a sudden and swift stroke, she raises and then plunges the scissors into Baby Diego's expressionless head and the party and the shrieks and the chaos reach its pinnacle.

The insides spill onto the floor. No child goes for the candy except the tiny Tony Soprano filling his pockets and mouth with delight. The party winds down and belongings are gathered. Quick glances are stolen as judgement is passed from one regretful mother to the next. What happened? How did it go so wrong?

And thus was the slaying of Baby Diego.

Mr. Feeble

Mr. Feeble
Tasty