Wisdom

He who goes to bed with itchy butt wakes with sticky fingers

Funniest Guy He Knows

Laughter is the best medicine, right? I've always enjoyed a hearty laugh and consider myself one with a fairly good sense of humor. Sometimes (or perhaps a bit more than sometimes) my jokes can touch on offensive or tasteless, but I normally try and know my audience before I throw around any inappropriateness. However, I have a friend who doesn't necessarily know this characteristic.

If one ever lived by the motto "You only tell a joke to amuse yourself and if anyone else laughs it's just an added bonus", it would be this guy. Now granted, he is an amusing fellow who knows how to deliver a joke, but it is his relentless nature that truly sets him apart. No situation is unworthy of a joke and no subject is taboo. At first you may be put off by his style (just ask his girlfriend), but there is something endearing about one who is always laughing and this guy is always laughing...at his own jokes.

At his tamest he is giving you a 'wry' smile, but those moments are far fewer than downright shoulder-shrugging hilarity. Though at times I am amazed at his audacity, you can only respect and appreciate one who wavers for no one and has such a good time doing so.

Coffee Talk

I am having coffee as I type and figured I'd make up some coffee talk. First off, it would not include the young girl who is currently providing the coffee I wish to talk around since she has been persistantly trying to push me out the door (or so I feel, but maybe it's just because I'm sensitive).

That said, let's get down to the meat of this talking with coffee. Or at least I'm drinking coffee and there is no prerequisite for coffee in order to participate in the reading of this said blurb or blip or whatever you want to call it. Okay, the subject is an 'incubus' or, for all you ladies out there though I'm pretty certain there aren't, 'succubus'.

The definition of these words are an evil demon that engages in sexual intercourse with their victims while they sleep, incubus being a male demon preying on female victims while the succubus is female preying on male victims. Maybe I'm missing something here, but it sounds to me like I've found the girl of my dreams. So while I'm sleeping she pounces on me for some night-time nookie? Yes and YES!!!

So, for all you evil succubus' out there who were feeling a little lonely last night while I was sleeping...let me introduce you to my not so Feeble friend.

A Tribute to Americans

Why do I have a feeling that this whole Anna Nicole Smith 'scandal/death/whose my baby's daddy' dilemma is going to fill our media circuit for many moons to come. By her untimely death, she has established her legacy and will more then likely become a more recognizable name than Condeleeza Rice not 20 years from now. Theories will be introduced, books will be written and prime time will be spilling with the juice on Anna Nicole and, quite frankly, I will be interested. I never watched her reality show, but, like Ben Franklin, she seems to embody all that is American.

She is inventive, a risk-taker, greedy, promiscuous, self-righteous, self-indulgent, ambitious and sexy. Well, Franklin may not have been sexy, but we can acknowledge the fact he demonstrated all those other traits and perhaps used his intelligence to give off his own "sex" appeal.

Either way, I salute you Anna Nicole Smith on a life more interesting than most and one that will no doubt be talked about for some years to come.

The Sirens of Feeble

I was once discovered as a wee high-schooler, and much to my mother's chagrin, up after curfew in the accompaniment of a young lady with no lights on in the entire downstairs of my parents house. My mother was not pleased with me nor the young lady and made that well known to all present. The next morning my father greeted me at the base of the stairs and told me to follow him into his study. Once we entered the room he looked at me with a very stern look and said "Sit in that chair and don't say a word until I'm done talking. Got it?"

I obediantly sat my butt in the chair and stared straight ahead. He walked over to his book shelf and began perusing the shelves over his half glasses, running his finger over the bumpy line of hardcovers and tapping it on his selection before pulling it from the shelf, as if he was only considering the book and might continue on in search of another. Now with the book in his hand, he sat down across from me, flipped to the desired page and began reading from Homer's "Iliad". He picked up where Ulysses (or Odysses) was traveling past the Sirens and, though lured in by their sweet song, was able to survive the encounter by tying himself to the mast while ordering the rest of his crew to stuff their ears with bees wax so not to fall under the Sirens spell.

I sat and listened to a rather compelling reading that ended with Ulysses thanking his crew, despite his earlier pleas, for not turning the boat and staying the course. At this, my father snapped the book shut and said "Feeble...that's your sex talk."

Now if you can imagine the dumbstruck look on my face paired with the glowing satisfaction on my father's, it may invoke a chuckle. Still waiting to be yelled at, I sputtered (as if I'd just unlocked the secret passage to Atlantis) "You mean I'm Ulysses?"

"And women are Sirens, so make sure you don't turn the boat."

At this he got up, put the book in my hands, and left. It is funny how often I will re-live that moment, as if there is a new pebble of wisdom to be discovered that I had somehow missed earlier. So many interpretations.

Fortunately for me I must have an entire fleet since I've wrecked numerous ships on the rocky shores of the Sirens' island.

Deep Thought

If you can imagine a tangerine slice...could you attempt to compare it to a human being? The thin membrane around the slice would compare to our skin, while the juicy goodness inside the slice would be similiar to our blood and organs.

Do you think we taste delicious?

Does a tangerine taste good to a tangerine?