Baby Diego

A re-telling of the events as they were told to me. Not for the faint of heart.

My sister has three boys, the middle child being 3 1/2. The little group of mothers my sister socializes with (you know, drink Starbucks, talk about shopping and how their children are different and yet the same) decided to have a large group birthday party for a few of the children whose birthdays were relatively close in date. So before you know it, a 12 child birthday party has been organized. The mothers are all given different roles, some playing bigger roles than others, and everything is going to be a real hoot.

The day arrives and the mothers and their children congregate at the nature center where they've rented out a private room for the party. Snacks and toys in hand, toddlers between the ages of 3 to 5 all show up for what should be an afternoon of good times.

They start the day off with a light nature walk, a few of the mothers staying behind to get the party prepped for when the children return. Soon they come streaming back in, wound up from the cool autumn breeze and building anticipation of the party to come. They come running to the balloons and the colors and the presents and the food. Then, one mother who has recently moved to the United States from India brings out her big surprise, a life size Baby Diego pinata.

Now for all of you unaware of Baby Diego, he is a popular character amongst toddlers and small children around the country who gets into whacky adventures and teaches life lessons. This group of children in particular happen to be in love with Baby Diego.

The sight of this very impressive replica of their favorite character sends the group into hysterics. The children are screaming in delight as he looks them all square in the eye. Many are still to young to discern that this is not in fact a real walking and talking Baby Diego.

"HOIST UP DIEGO" yells the mother as another amazingly naive one throws a rope over the ceiling banister and yanks the end in her hands toward her waist. The rope end attached to the shoulders of sweet Baby Diego becomes taut and our hero is swiftly elevated above the raised hands of his adoring fans.

"DIEGO!!" they squeal with glee.

A few mothers exchange concerned glances as Diego swings in front of them and their children, the rope end disappearing behind his head. In all this innocent joy, something doesn't quite seem...

"Who wants to go first?" a commanding and shrill voice beckons to the anxious crowd of youngsters.

"I WILL" hollers the future army vet of the group. The kids are wild with excitement while the mothers become rigid, unaware why this growing anxiety is bubbling up inside of them.

WHACK!!

Spinning round and round goes Baby Diego attached to the rope behind his head.

WHACK!!

Suddenly the screams grow more intense as what were once joyous squawks begin to transform into echoing cries. "Mommy" yells one of the younger girls as she runs to a distressed mother who now shoos her little girl out of the party room

WHACK!!

And off comes innocent Baby Diego's legs. More cries... panic begins to ensue. What did Baby Diego do? Why are we hurting him? One child begins to hit another child for no foreseeable reason. More children and their mothers being to leave the party room. Despite the missing appendages, Baby Diego's candy filled intestines remain intact.

"Perhaps the children are upset because there is no candy" thinks the mother who thought up this most clever idea. She now releases the far end of the rope to allow Baby Diego to come crashing to the ground. More screams. More panic. She grabs the bat from the unphased future Navy Seal and begins to beat Baby Diego herself. Diego standing a good three inches taller than some of the smaller children in the room.

"WHY!?!"

Her futile attempts to crack open the precious Diego leave her frustrated so she soon turns to the table and grabs the pair of scissors left glistening in the mid afternoon sun. With a sudden and swift stroke, she raises and then plunges the scissors into Baby Diego's expressionless head and the party and the shrieks and the chaos reach its pinnacle.

The insides spill onto the floor. No child goes for the candy except the tiny Tony Soprano filling his pockets and mouth with delight. The party winds down and belongings are gathered. Quick glances are stolen as judgement is passed from one regretful mother to the next. What happened? How did it go so wrong?

And thus was the slaying of Baby Diego.

Updated

Since my last post:

Robert Goulet passed away
The Browns won 3 games in a row
San Diego practically burned to the ground
I had a bizarre blind date

Let's talk of the final event. Went on a blind date. It was a work associates friend and I like the work associate. She is married and I have met her husband as well. He is Chinese and told a very funny story where the President and CEO of his nationwide company came up to him and informed him that had recently hired another Chinese male in their San Fransisco office.

"Perhaps you know him?" he says.

I don't need to comment

-------------------------------------

So it starts out at a Halloween party in which I attended as the very unorginal "dick in a box". I filled my box up with blow-pops and hershey kisses and competed against 4 others for the right to distribute my 'goods'. Regardless, my date shows up as nothing. LAME. She is 4'11". I will admit she was attractive, but after long I found that a conversation with her only progressed into a 'who ever is talking louder gets the floor' type forum. That is all fine, I am far from perfect.

From the Halloween party we went to a private party that was being held by a 3rd string Browns player and upon entering soon discovered we represented the entire minority. Needless to say I was wearing a rented suit and had a box on my crotch and felt compelled to go to the dance floor and shake it. I think that lasted for a song and a half before being informed we were leaving. I don't think it was me.

From there my work associate's husband suggested we get some food and took us to a Chinese restaurant at 2:00 am. It was also a Karaoke night and the place was filled with about 30 drunk Chinese singing Chinese songs. We ate our meals. It was delicious. I had a large box attached to my crotch and sunglasses on throughout my meal. The atmosphere couldn't have been more spectacular.

Finally, we went back to my work associates brother's apartment who lived nearby. It was established that I could spend the night on the couch. Since I wasn't driving and the group seemed lively enough I figured it a fine idea. However, upon arriving at the apartment I soon found out my work associate and her Chinese husband owned two Chiwawas (?). If anyone has ever come in contact with these little whipper snappers, they are not pleasant and extremely protective. So once the night wound down and I cozyed up on my couch, the dogs decided they needed to guard against the one person in the place they didn't know (ie. me). I fell asleep and woke up to these two dogs growling in my face.

As I stared at these dogs I figured that this must be why people don't go on blind dates.

Crunch Time

In order to feign competence at my new job I must pass a practical next week that I am somewhat concerned about. First off, the material is something that is new to me and I have had a very short time to learn it. Those dang-fangled computers.

I am confident enough I will pass, but in the past week and a half the level of information and pace at which it has been delivered has sped up considerably. Sort of a pledgeship type initiation, all employees tell their horror stories about (in this sitation we'll refer to it as ACF training) their ACF2 training, which is far more difficult than the already completed ACF1. Now, of course fearing I will be 'that guy' who doesn't pass their 10 hour practical (seriously, this thing is no joke) I have become a bit anxious over the test.

This leads me into the real subject of my post today which is a member of my seven person class who just so happens to sit right next to me. Her name is Kim, that is real, and I might strangle her. In my class is a lawyer, a 29 year veteran of NASA, a former IT manager at the Cleveland Clinic and other professionals with respectable careers behind them and then there is this 33 year old woman spinning around in her chair singing "weeeee" in the middle of class. She clucks and mumbles all day long, asks disruptive questions and, I have come to discover, is quite delusional. When certain topics of the days' teachings become unclear to me, this 6 year old with a driver's license doesn't help my situation out any. I have come to rant on this site, my good readers, because I can't do it anywhere else, I am still the new guy. This test will be over a week from today and I will pass it, but I swear Job aint ever known suffering like this.

Thanks for listening (or reading in this instance) and I will keep all of you updated on the most recent happenings as they come. I apologize for my recent lack of minutes on the site as this has been eating up much of my free time. I will let all of you know how the test turns out, but if I don't pass this thing I am going to put hundreds of ketchup and mustard packets under Kim's tires.

Food For Thought

I love eating Klondike bars while watching "Biggest Loser".

Beauty & The Geek

Has anyone watched this show? Wow, I mean I thought "The Biggest Loser" was quality television with all those shirtless guys sporting bra-lines bigger than any of my former girlfriends, but 'B & the G' takes the cake. I normally don't watch shows like these (sure I don't, it was just this one time I was watching it and I just so happened to have that magazine of 'US' open in my lap) but I honestly couldn't stop. I was aniticipating its return from commercial break. The super hereos of superficial teamed up against the captains of capable thought. I haven't been that entertained by reality television since Tami was dragged across the floor screaming by David (for all you early Real World folk).

I think it was the line by the guy at M.I.T who had a 5.0 gpa that hooked me.

"When I saw the girls descending the stairs I had a feeling in my stomach that I simulate to jumping out of an air plane"

By Popular Demand

How could I turn down 3 whole requests and a 'shout out' on a blog.

Bed Time Joke

Just a little funny to ponder before catching some winks

Quick Update

I apologize for those who have dropped by the site only to find 'nothing new". Well, with more to come in the near future I will quickly update you on the job, which is going great. Very young, very energetic and very successful. Needless to say I am already in heaven since our holiday party will be held at none other than Cleveland Browns Stadium with a 70's disco theme. Honestly.

Also, if my good friend Stanley happens to make his way to where his Mama's Making Good Cookies, I need some advice on adding video to my blog. I have the video, just can't seem to get it working. Tips?

Lastly, hope all of you are well where all of you are. Give me updates on anything and all.

Library Folk

It is the final countdown. I have 5 1/2 days of slacking left before the new job begins. Am I excited? For the rest of my life I will never look forward to working as much as I do at this moment in time. On the upside, I have never been so well-read.

Books I have read in the past 2 months or so:

The Plague - Albert Camus
Skinny Legs And All - Tom Robbins
In Cold Blood - Truman Capote
The Old Man And The Sea - Ernest Hemingway
Einstein's Dream - Alan Lightman
Absolute Friends - John Le Carre
Of Mice And Men - John Steinbeck
Our Endangerd Values - Jimmy Carter
Black Elk Speaks - John Neihardt

I have just recently picked up 'Lila' by Robert Pirsig and think this should finish off my read-a-thon. Some of these have been re-reads, (Hemingway & Steinbeck) one was a waste of time (Le Carre) and one is forever slated a bathroom read (Lightman... in this world I am taking a monster dump, but rather the dump flushes me as I am the one who stinks). The rest (Camus, Robbins, Capote, Carter & Neihardt) are worthwhile reads that I would recommend to all. Of these, each takes their own approach at tackling the human condition and how it is affected through circumstance and ones' personal religion/creed.

As for the library patrons I keep seeing on weekday afternoons who in turn keep seeing me. Weird.

10's & 2's

Per request by my friend Stanley, (who has on more than one occasion called me in the twilight hours looking for clarification upon the rules of this game) I have agreed to post 'my' official rules for this fairly simple, yet party favorite card game. Though not necessarily a drinking game, one is always encouraged to drink while playing.

- 2-5 players can play during any one round
- The object of the game is to get rid of all your cards
- Six cards are dealt to each player, three facing down (not to be scene by player) and three facing up.
- Up cards are placed on top of three Down cards. These six cards will not be touched until the player has discarded all the cards in their hand
- Each player is then dealt 3 cards that they are to keep in their hand
- Each player must have at least 3 cards in their hand at all times until the card pile runs out, whereupon they play any of the top three cards layed out in front of them.
-Once you have succesfully played your three Up cards, you may then play your Down three, though you are not allowed to look at the cards before throwing them. This adds an element of excitement as each player guesses their way to victory.
-If at any time you are unsuccessful in playing your Up three or Down three, you must pick up the card you would have played along with the existing pile and play those cards out of your hand before resuming to play the remaining cards on the table in front of you.
- You must tie or beat the card thrown by your opponent, doubles or triples of a card does not affect your ability to throw (for example, your opponent throw two 7's, you can throw one 7 or one 8).
- If you throw four or the fourth of a kind, it clears the pile and the player throwing the 4th card can throw again
-If you throw a card and must pick up from the pile and draw the same card you just threw... you can throw that card immediately if your opponent has not thrown their card yet (quick draw).
-At any point in the game, one can choose to pick up the pile even if one can beat the top card. It is at each players discretion.
-The two option cards are the 10's and 2's. A '2' resets the pile. The pile remains and play continues (for example: opponent throws a jack and you cannot beat that card, but a '2' will reset the pile back down to two and play continues and the pile remains).
-A '10' is the most powerful card. It can be thrown on top of any card and eliminates the pile, thus allowing the player who threw the '10' to throw again (for example: opponent throws an ace, you throw a '10' and eliminate the pile and then follow up with another '5' that is in your hand).

Alright, that should be a healthy start. Let me know if I need to clarify on anything.

More Virginia Visitors

The Nice Jenkins rolled through Cleveland last night and much fun and revelry took place. With some help from my hospitable Cleveland friends we all successfully consumed much while unlawfully smoking inside an alehouse (though it was deemed allowable by its owner, he being so risky).

Needless to say, in less than a 24 hour period we

1. Saw Dana 'take on' Jordan and lose on a tree lawn
2. Saw Adam convince girls he was from New Zealand and they then wanted him
3. Played a very intense game of bar boche that got an entire bar rowdily involved
4. Had a girl with no eyebrows uncomfortably hit on us (she was our waitress at breakfast)
5. At same restaurant sat under a ceiling leak that accented our food and coffee
6. Watched Adam look gay in a very gay part of town
7. Ate bad tofu (jello-like minus the sweetness)
8. 'Chugged' beers while talking like New Zealanders
9. Schemed Madden Football dominance with Rob (aka Bobby Chey)
10. Watched Jordan do somersaults in the middle of a street at 4pm, constituting public intoxication

Much fun... much fun

That Wry Guy

On his westward venture, former roommate and fellow blogger Wry made a pit-stop in my beloved city of Cleveland. He even brought a friend. I took them out with some lady-friends of mine to try and trick them into thinking I was cool (though Wry was well aware of my guise having lived with me for a year) and we successfully got hammered. The next day we slept until noon and then drove around Cleveland. Eventually we settled at the Great Lakes Brewery for burgers and beers (in an attempt we to get back to normal). After some chatter and laughter they took off as Wry prepared to continue his trip west.

What was nice was having not seen him for over a month, it took a simple greeting and a sly grin to get back to where we left off. I enjoy good friends.

Roll It Up Slow

The unrelenting rain has kept me indoors for the past day and a half and it doesn’t seem to be letting up anytime soon. The sounds of wet tires swooshing past seem to be the momentary constant along with the patter of rain on my rooftop. I am sipping coffee and writing and feel satisfied in my coarse of action.

I basically have three weeks to pass and nothing really to do in the meantime. This time is mine and of it I can make or do anything. It seems almost overwhelming in it’s magnitude of possibility, but as I ease into this first day with a steady rain and a cool breeze to balance the warmth of my coffee cup I find myself filled with a strange sense of contentment.

Nothing is really eas-y, or at least nothing that’s worth doing, but when one finds themselves within the comfort of a situation upon which circumstance leaves no other option, there is a sense of ease that is as comforting as a warm blanket on a chilly evening. It will pass as soon as my coffee is cold, but for the time it is here I can acknowledge it.

Got A Job

Good news gang, I got a job. Long process with several bumps in the road. Lots of me waiting, waiting, waiting. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night stricken with anxiety and it would take a bowl of cereal and a few chapters of a book to get me settled back down. The good thing was that I didn't have much to do the next day.

Either way, it was a bit stressful because once I received the offer from the company I wanted to work for, I had to play a little cat and mouse to bump up my pay. I had another offer that I delicately dangled in their face and that sort of stuff (like I wasn't going to take pretty much whatever they offered me because... I needed a job).

Anyway, with a little patience (yeaaah, yeaah) it ended up being a win, win. Plus, I don't start for another 3 weeks so its more of me reading and eating cereal at night. I prefer Cheerios, but sometimes... I'll slip some into some nut'n'honey.

Enough

When is it appropriate to tell someone they are being inappropriate when they, in fact, feel they are sharing? Is there etiquette you should follow when listening to a story that you are both uncomfortable with and don't want to continue to hear, yet find yourself fearful that interrupting might shatter what you are quickly learning is a fragile psyche?

I found myself in this situation and poorly chose to make a joke about how uncomfortable I was learning private info from someone I didn't exactly consider a confidante. I used humor as my blanket on the fire. What followed?

Five second pause

They got up and left

Oh, why ya live there?

I spent almost 4 years living in Virginia and recently moved back to my home state of Ohio. So why is it that whenever I mention that I lived in/moved to which ever state I am referencing that it strikes up a chord of irrefutable unimpressiveness in whomever I am talking with from said other state. In actuality I think both states are very impressive and have many similarities.

For example, did you know both states are nicknamed "The Mother of Presidents" because they both birthed the exact same number of U.S. Presidents, which are more than any other state.

Would Texas be referred to as "The Dead Beat Dad of Presidents"?

Spicing Up The Ballpark

I recently attended a Cleveland Indians game and was observing how the sport of baseball, our "national pastime", really is a pretty slow paced and arguably boring game. Some may say this is blasphemy, but if I don't have a beer in my hand then really... why am I there?

I was trying to think of other ways to spice up the playing field so fans could enjoy different levels of excitement when play begins to drag and I came up with a rather simple solution. Starve a couple of dogs and let them fight to the death in right field.

That should bring a couple fans to the ballpark.

Nerd Alert

Alright, I have to admit that I have become that stereotypical Miller Lite commercial nerd. I am entering my 4th season in a fantasy football league and this year, for some reason, it has become all consuming. I am doing nightly research, making trades to help me build for the future (since it is a league in which you keep the same players year after year) and find myself thinking about it as I lay down to sleep.

My next big trade is giving Shaun Alexander up for my life back, but no one seems to be biting.

Go Browns

A Fond Farewell To Friends

To every and all, I wanted to send a note saying thanks so much for attending the 603 farewell bash. Laughter and a killed keg are always signals of a fantastic time and hopefully everyone else had as much fun as myself. Be it a game of telephone, shots of homemade lemon chill, boche (pronounced bo-che, per Alex), belt-buckle bottle opening and roaming muscle-bound freaks... a good time was had.

Please keep checking this so I can make my best attempts to stay in touch and come and visit as you will all always have an open door and comfy couch with your names on it.

-MB

You Are Out Of Order

Okay, so I was back in my hometown of Cleveland, OH this weekend and met up with some friends of mine. It was to be a short evening of catching up and nothing much. Sitting there, I notice an older female (45ish) with some friends at the other end of the bar. She is "nonchalantly" staring.

Conversation continues and nothing else is noticed. After some time, said lady makes her way down to our end of the bar (which is confined and not easy to occupy outside our group of three). She shuffles past my two friends and approaches me. She leans into my ear and says

"I'm not sure what your situation is, but I just wanted to pay you a compliment"

"ok"

"I saw you when you came in and I need to tell you... you look like a man who knows how to hold court"

"thanks?"

"I am serious, you look like someone who knows how to hold court"

"Are those Jordache jeans you're wearing?"

Of all the responses I could have used, somehow that one seemed the most appropriate. After consideration, I will allow it. Objections overruled.

Ughh

It is one of those days where everything seems bleak. Ugh, I wake up this morning to my foot hurting. I roll out of bed and my back is tight. I'm tired and it's 6:30 am and I want to go back to sleep, but I can't. I am driving to work and want to get my morning coffee, but I forgot my wallet. I get to work and the other guy I work with called off, meaning I am all by myself all day long. I'm outside and it's 95 degrees.

Oh me, oh life, oh me.

Destitute Times

It has always sounded to me like the "Age of Enlightenment" was a pretty cool time period during which to live. Perhaps electricity and waste management weren't at their evolutionary peaks, but there were a lot of impressive people influencing many important events.

Today seems a bit different. Technology (duh) and marketed sex (pron) are leading us into the 21st century and we can communicate with anyone in the world in order to enjoy said niche, while a group of 150 people control our world's economy.

I think we should coin this time period the "Age of Whose Your Daddy".

Yeah, I think that one sounds good.

Letting Someone Down

For those of you who know me, which is probably anyone reading this since I would otherwise be confused as to why you would check out this "awe-inspiring" word play (insert emoticon of blustering sarcasm... you know the face), I have always swayed on the idea of packing my bags and hitting the open water as a scuba diving instructor living the life of ease.

It sounds nice and I could do it if I was truly compelled, but recently I have had some time (actually a lot of time as I've been successfully living a hobo's life) to consider the alternative. Should I do that or should I embark on a life of responsibility and accountability in my hometown of Cleveland, OH?

Boooo midwest city with poor economy and lousy weather.

Hooray Scuba!!

Yes, I could scuba and should scuba, but at the same time... family and friends and attempting to make the city and people around you better has to have some reward that might out-weigh 'living the dream' on some live-a-board ship? Right?

Either decision I make someone seems disappointed. Maybe I should get together with some folks and play a game of RISK to determine the answer?

"Shut your mouth when you're talking to me."

I See You're Schwartz Is As Big As Mine

So I went to watch my Cavs struggle through their 4th and final game of the NBA finals last night. I saddled up on a bar stool and observed as everyone around me, unaware of my team loyalty, ridiculed and harassed my Cavaliers right up until the final buzzer. I find that, similar to my birthday, watching my hometown team play in the biggest series of their lives can be a somewhat personal experience, particularly when they are losing... badly.

As the evening wore on, my frequent visits to the latrine seemed to be timed up with another patron's bladder breaks. 1st time, 2nd time and then a 3rd. By our final 'fluke' run-in, we were exchanging head knods that suggested "Hey... you and I keep peeing at the same time. Cool."

I wriggled into my corner as he washed his hands when he says, daring to break the ritualistic silence of the men's room, "You're a Cavs fan, aren't ya?"

"Yes"

"Sorry"

Oh no you didn't. However, rather than spit out all the reasons why I am NOT sorry, I simply replied "Don't be" while the toilet bowl in front of me magically turned into his face.

Oh the times they are a-changing

Born and raised in Cleveland, OH, I have been exposed to a certain kind of heartache that I really think only Buffalo Bills fans somewhat understand.

Cleveland Browns, Indians and Cavalier fans have all suffered the heartache of being so close, but unable to win 'the big one'.

This years performance by the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals is not quite as heartbreaking as some of the other losses felt by earlier teams (the shot, the fumble, the drive, 11th inning of game seven of the World Series) because this years success was somewhat unexpected. LeBron is still so young and already in the Finals with an extremely young and inexperienced team. Am I dissappointed by our 0-3 start against the veteran performance by the San Antonio Spurs? Sure.

However, what I do know is that the Cleveland Cavs time is just beginning and things are looking good.

Go Cavs!!

When Nothing is Perfect

Watched the Sopranos finale and have to say I loved it. It filled me with all the emotion I wanted and then left me craving more with its open-ended resolution. Not what anyone predicted, but in the end it was everything we wanted.

Oh David Chase... you evil genius.

Need to catch up on bills?

I saw her from the other side of the street and I slid down in my chair ever so slightly to hide my presence from her peripheral. She held my attention completely and the silence on the porch told me she held all our attention. She swooshed past, her arms pumping and the slightest persperation breaking across her forehead. I sipped my High Life and took a drag from the cigarette held in my fingers, carefully so not to disrupt the congruity of the moment.

"Would you go out with her everyday for an entire year for $500,000?"

"No"

Well, maybe.

'Tom' for President

I was recently sent some forward stating that 'myspace' has something like 110 million users. If this were true and 'myspace' were a country, it would make it the 11th largest country on this planet between Japan and Mexico. Would that make Tom the president and the tequila girl (whose name escapes me as of right now) speaker of the the house?

I was running for city council, but lost to some 11 year old girl who likes fig newtons and the Teenage Ninja Turltes. She has like 24 friends and I have one. b!tch

Keeping Good Cheer!!

My friend Stanley just had money taken from his bank account due to a lost check card. Even worse is the amount that was taken, which approaches the 2K mark. Money comes and goes and will only ever affect the convienence of ones life and for your inconvienence, Stanley, I apologize. However, what is far more disheartening is that someone would do this to another individual.

In the long run, I am sure his bank will provide him with good customer service and refund his lost dollars while at the same time establishing a customer for life. However, we should all find comfort in the fact that we don't fall in the category of this type of scoundrel. Bad things happen, but how we respond dictates our character.

So I say eat, drink and be merry because otherwise it's a drag. Hope to see you soon Stan!!

The Joys of File Sharing

From time to time, while enjoying free internet connectivity at an establishment, I will be fortunate enough to gain a glimpse into what other wireless laptop coffee shop folk have on their playlist. Ohh la la, because on this day I am able to take a sneak peak into a particular gentleman's files. What types of gems does he have hidden on his current 16 song playlist?

1. Grey Street - Dave Matthews Band
2. The One I Love - David Grey
3. Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo
4. Snow ( Hey Oh) - Red Hot Chili Peppers
5. Slip Slidin Away - Simon & Garfunkel
6. Hello Darkness My Old Friend - Simon & Garfunkel
7. Animal Sex Girl F#cking Her Dog
8. Blonde F#cking Dog
9. American Baby - Dave Matthews Band
10. Dog Blow Job Vicky Beastiality
11. Hair Pulled While Anal Dog
12. Painful Anal
13. 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon
14. Me & Julio Down By The School Yard - Simon & Garfunkel
15. The Boxer - Simon & Garfunkel
16. Animal Sex Brazilian Girl

Hey you, sensitive Adam Frazier of Charlottesville Virginia whom I am looking at right now...thanks for sharing!!

What's in a job anyway?

Well, it's official, I have quit my job. That's right, I had one of those moments when a man's had too much and decides enough is enough. I am therefore spending my days drinking coffee and pretending like this is the best decision I could have made. Currently it's been a pretty good one since I've been relaxing and enjoying great weather. I figure at some point I will start to panic a bit as the funds run tight and then something new will begin. Exciting? Yes. Stupid? Time will tell.

All Things Must Pass

I commit to everyone a little bit, but commit to nothing 100%.

My Day

You have to have bad days to know good ones

Wisdom

He who goes to bed with itchy butt wakes with sticky fingers

Funniest Guy He Knows

Laughter is the best medicine, right? I've always enjoyed a hearty laugh and consider myself one with a fairly good sense of humor. Sometimes (or perhaps a bit more than sometimes) my jokes can touch on offensive or tasteless, but I normally try and know my audience before I throw around any inappropriateness. However, I have a friend who doesn't necessarily know this characteristic.

If one ever lived by the motto "You only tell a joke to amuse yourself and if anyone else laughs it's just an added bonus", it would be this guy. Now granted, he is an amusing fellow who knows how to deliver a joke, but it is his relentless nature that truly sets him apart. No situation is unworthy of a joke and no subject is taboo. At first you may be put off by his style (just ask his girlfriend), but there is something endearing about one who is always laughing and this guy is always laughing...at his own jokes.

At his tamest he is giving you a 'wry' smile, but those moments are far fewer than downright shoulder-shrugging hilarity. Though at times I am amazed at his audacity, you can only respect and appreciate one who wavers for no one and has such a good time doing so.

Coffee Talk

I am having coffee as I type and figured I'd make up some coffee talk. First off, it would not include the young girl who is currently providing the coffee I wish to talk around since she has been persistantly trying to push me out the door (or so I feel, but maybe it's just because I'm sensitive).

That said, let's get down to the meat of this talking with coffee. Or at least I'm drinking coffee and there is no prerequisite for coffee in order to participate in the reading of this said blurb or blip or whatever you want to call it. Okay, the subject is an 'incubus' or, for all you ladies out there though I'm pretty certain there aren't, 'succubus'.

The definition of these words are an evil demon that engages in sexual intercourse with their victims while they sleep, incubus being a male demon preying on female victims while the succubus is female preying on male victims. Maybe I'm missing something here, but it sounds to me like I've found the girl of my dreams. So while I'm sleeping she pounces on me for some night-time nookie? Yes and YES!!!

So, for all you evil succubus' out there who were feeling a little lonely last night while I was sleeping...let me introduce you to my not so Feeble friend.

A Tribute to Americans

Why do I have a feeling that this whole Anna Nicole Smith 'scandal/death/whose my baby's daddy' dilemma is going to fill our media circuit for many moons to come. By her untimely death, she has established her legacy and will more then likely become a more recognizable name than Condeleeza Rice not 20 years from now. Theories will be introduced, books will be written and prime time will be spilling with the juice on Anna Nicole and, quite frankly, I will be interested. I never watched her reality show, but, like Ben Franklin, she seems to embody all that is American.

She is inventive, a risk-taker, greedy, promiscuous, self-righteous, self-indulgent, ambitious and sexy. Well, Franklin may not have been sexy, but we can acknowledge the fact he demonstrated all those other traits and perhaps used his intelligence to give off his own "sex" appeal.

Either way, I salute you Anna Nicole Smith on a life more interesting than most and one that will no doubt be talked about for some years to come.

The Sirens of Feeble

I was once discovered as a wee high-schooler, and much to my mother's chagrin, up after curfew in the accompaniment of a young lady with no lights on in the entire downstairs of my parents house. My mother was not pleased with me nor the young lady and made that well known to all present. The next morning my father greeted me at the base of the stairs and told me to follow him into his study. Once we entered the room he looked at me with a very stern look and said "Sit in that chair and don't say a word until I'm done talking. Got it?"

I obediantly sat my butt in the chair and stared straight ahead. He walked over to his book shelf and began perusing the shelves over his half glasses, running his finger over the bumpy line of hardcovers and tapping it on his selection before pulling it from the shelf, as if he was only considering the book and might continue on in search of another. Now with the book in his hand, he sat down across from me, flipped to the desired page and began reading from Homer's "Iliad". He picked up where Ulysses (or Odysses) was traveling past the Sirens and, though lured in by their sweet song, was able to survive the encounter by tying himself to the mast while ordering the rest of his crew to stuff their ears with bees wax so not to fall under the Sirens spell.

I sat and listened to a rather compelling reading that ended with Ulysses thanking his crew, despite his earlier pleas, for not turning the boat and staying the course. At this, my father snapped the book shut and said "Feeble...that's your sex talk."

Now if you can imagine the dumbstruck look on my face paired with the glowing satisfaction on my father's, it may invoke a chuckle. Still waiting to be yelled at, I sputtered (as if I'd just unlocked the secret passage to Atlantis) "You mean I'm Ulysses?"

"And women are Sirens, so make sure you don't turn the boat."

At this he got up, put the book in my hands, and left. It is funny how often I will re-live that moment, as if there is a new pebble of wisdom to be discovered that I had somehow missed earlier. So many interpretations.

Fortunately for me I must have an entire fleet since I've wrecked numerous ships on the rocky shores of the Sirens' island.

Deep Thought

If you can imagine a tangerine slice...could you attempt to compare it to a human being? The thin membrane around the slice would compare to our skin, while the juicy goodness inside the slice would be similiar to our blood and organs.

Do you think we taste delicious?

Does a tangerine taste good to a tangerine?

The Sad State of My Room

I woke up this morning to the sound of nothing. It wasn't an alarm or any weird sounds from the other people who roam around in my house. Nothing. It was me opening my eyes and attempting to recognize my surroundings. I blinked once...twice...three times and realized my room was trashed. I got up and left.

Looks like Jack Bauer failed to stop that bomb from going off. And so begins another season of 'Twenties', readying for its final season.

Keep Your Enemies Closer

About 4 months back I had some issues with my automobile and, for any of you out there like myself who don’t know too much when it comes to mechanics, this can be a very unpleasant experience. I found myself being charged for a problem that wasn’t getting fixed and I couldn’t exactly understand for what service I was paying. It became the first time in a long time I let frustration turn into genuine anger. Needless to say, my relationship with my mechanic became very strained and like most love/hate relationships, I feel it made us closer.

About 1 month ago I got a letter in the mail from my dealer that enclosed a recall letter describing the exact issue that had been so frustrating. It was like an early Christmas gift since I was still dealing with the problem. I immediately took it to the dealer and had them replace the faulty part.

Then began my attempts at getting reimbursed for all of the problems I had struggled with previously since it was in direct relation to the recalled part. My efforts were not exactly being met as I had dreamed. A dream that had my dealer apologizing for the inconvenience and perhaps giving me a brand new car while throwing a party for me that had people tossing me up and down in the air while popping champagne corks and chanting “Feeble, Feeble, Feeble”. Instead they were just declining my request for reimbursement. It was then I went back to my mechanic and the two of us spent about 1/2 an hour exacting a letter that should help me get my money back. He even let me get behind his desk and work on his computer while he dealt with other issues. It was then I realized that though we had truly disliked each other for a time, he had developed some respect for me and I for him.

In the wise words of Wes Mantooth “I hate you Ron Burgandy, but goddammit I respect you.”

Having It My Way

I must admit, I am somewhat fascinated by the new Burger King. There's something about that transparent gaze and spine tingling smile that makes my heart sing. I sent out a X-mas card this year and it was a picture of me and the king. It's true.

I have two football King bobble heads at my work space; the "Regal Receiver" and the "Kicking King". Everyday I attend work I ask them if I can make it through another day and they look back at me and say "YES".

I own an XBOX. Not the new XBOX 360, but the old busted...xbox. I own a total of 3 games. Madden '06 (purchased with the xbox and played a total of 7 times, maybe?), The Sneak King, and Bumpin King w/ Brooke Burke (hot!...not in the game, that's more cute, but real life...hot!). I only play the King games. Why?

I have actually purchased Burger King food in the past 3 months, something that never happens since I make attempts at eating healthy. It was as if he was smiling at me from my rearview as I pulled into the drive-thru.

Am I alone in this fascination with the mystic King?

Do you think international relations would be better if we sent the King as an American ambassador? In my minds-eye, I can envision a picture of the Burger King with Hugo Chavez or Kim Jong-il and it doesn't seem all that ridiculious. Sadly enough, I'm probably more interested in what the King is doing than most country's leaders.

If I could truly have it my way, what would I do and would it include the King? I'm not talking about Elvis, I'm talking about The King. And honestly, it probably would.

Let's get this thing rolling...what do you say.

People I know and see and sometimes even physically touch have been encouraging me to get one of these up and running so I decided, after enough gentle shoving, that perhaps I should attempt to make some virtual friends.

Therefore, oh faithful reader, I have decided to put up my very first post.

As for the answer to my riddle? Why of course yours does.